A Piece of Realization

Letting go is really hard not only in love but in other things as well.

Today, I realized that not being too attached with the people around me won't give me much of a heartbeak if they decide to go for further journey. I am saddened with the news that one of my colleagues is leaving. We may not be that close, the fact that he considers me as his little sister affects me somehow.

I encountered this dilemma during my two previous jobs. The only difference is, I was so affected then, and I was the one who left. I got so close with my batchmates that my heart bled when I left them (I resigned from my company). I realized from those experiences that leaving someone behind is painful (though I also believe that the feeling is mutual with being left behind). It crushed down my heart seeing them tormented with my decision.

But now, I was able to manage it well. For I have learned that I should be professional enough in handling my 'professional' relationships. I do not want to encounter the same predicament again.

I remember what a DJ once said, "Never get too attached with your workmates because no matter how you do not want to, they will always seek for better chances and will leave you behind." Yes indeed, that's why rom the time I heard those words, I promised myself that the next time I meet new bunch of professional friends, I won't be too attached so as not to cause myself any lamentations once they decide to go - and vice versa.


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Monday Escapade

I'm done reading my nth book authored by Paulo Coelho. To be exact, the book is entitled, 'Brida.' Though it took me a couple of weeks before I finally read the conclusion, it doesn't matter. The important thing is, I'm done.

I don't intend to do a book review here, so I'll start ranting my last night's escapade. And the story goes like this . . .

Since I wasn't able to go to mass last Sunday, I decided to just catch up on yesterday's seven o'clock mass at EDSA Shrine. It doesn' matter if the gospel wasn't the same as on a Sunday. What matters to me is, being able to go to mass. So right after the clock turned six o'clock, I hurried my self going to the biometric to log out.

I was struggling so hard to catch up the bus that was about to pass our building. Fortunately, I made it. Almost twenty minutes has passed aleady and I only have around forty minnutes before the mass starts. I got impatient aleady (since I was in a hurry nga). Manong driver couldn't drive faster than he should. He drove the bus as if it's running out of engine. Worst is, he followed the bus infront of him. It's as if our bus is being tagged along by the other bus.

My mood changed adversely, I was hopeless aleady. I know in myself that I won't be able to catch up the scheduled mass. More to that, Manong Driver also stopped for long in every bus stop station. It's as if everybody's going to ride on their bus. Though I understood well that like me, they're just doing thei jobs. But being too insensitive is what I'm ranting about.

But I cannot blame them, because maybe they thought their passengers are not in a hurry. They thought it's okay to wait up until their bus runs out of space for occupancy, and that nobody would argue with them about it. But I believe, if ever, that would be a lame excuse. After all, I guess they should also try to understand their passengers.

Now, you might think, "Ba't di ka nalang nagtaxi eh nagmamadai ka naman pala?" My reasoning goes like this, first, I can't afford a taxi ride (Uber sa kamahalan sumakay ng taxi kaya dun nalang sa mas mura). Second, I was expecting that there's no such incident (I did not anticipate that there would be traffic kasi it was Monday, at walang traffic pag Lunes). Lastly, it was tried and tested already (minsan na akog nakarating ng Ortigas na naabutan ko ang mass kaya ang way of thinking ko is paerho lang nung dati).

As expected (half-way), I didn't make it. I arrived during the communion. So my mass turned to praying silently while waiting for it to end. Wala akong choice but to just have a personal prayer time instead of attending the mass. But, sabi nga, there's always something good after every bad 'scene.' I learned na EDSA Shrine do have an Adoration Chapel (well, I hope I'm right...I still have to confirm it pa pala). At least now I know where to go during trying times wherein I always seek for silence or in other words, inner peace.

One more thing, I also learned that I do really have to control my being impatient. Though I did not argue with Manong driver nor did I make dabog or things like that, I know he saw my facial reaction. My face then was a perfect example of being irritated. Well, at the very least, I still managed to stay as calm as possible. I still manage to handle my irritation though it shows. At least, I was able to still visit the church (yun naman kasi ang importante).


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Change?: A Political View

If my recollection is right, it was during the past weekend when I first grasp the news regarding a movement being launched for Panlilio-Padaca's 2010 political career. According to news, the movement is eyeing the two individuals as running mates for the forthcoming elections. For what post? Presidency and vice-presidency.

When I heard about it, my initial reaction was, "Oh rEally?" I was thrilled about the thought. From there I saw how eager the Filipino people are for a renewal of Philippine politics. It feels good that there are people who are willing to excert effort just to have a rebirth in our political system. It's another thumbs up for the Filipino people.

But is this 'really' the right move? Is Panlilio and Padaca the 'answers' to the Filipinos' cry for political change? Are they capable of leading a country that is full and is surrounded by injustices, graft, and corruption? Do they have enough expertise and knowledge to rule a 'somewhat' dying country like ours? If the answer is yes, then be it.

Today, one of my colleague asked me about the latest news. She asked for my point of view regarding the issue. At first, I was hesitant simply because I haven't think about it yet. I haven't internalize the issue. If I were to give an opinion, that won't be as objective as it should be. But after awhile, I was able to come up with an answer. And that is, "I want to see their track record first as 'political leaders.'"

I've always wanted change, who doesn't? I've always believed that we are capable of it. And that as well, we deserve it. But how? Politically speaking, I think we, Filipinos are hopeless already. Hopeless of looking for the perfect leaders. I myself is counted. I am one of the many Filipinos who wish for the best. After all, nobody would want the best for thhis nation other than ourselves.

When I reached eighteen, excitement filled me because of the chance to choose my leader. A leader who I believe would be a good example to his constituents. A leader that would stand for the right. A leader who's willing to offer his blood and sweat for the sake of his mother nation. A leader worth voting for.

But, everything changed when I finally experienced the once in a blue moon chance. Why I said so? Because sometimes, circumstances won't allow you to do so. Who knows, right? Anyway, back on the 2007 elections, I saw the real world of politics. I saw how selfish other people could be just for the sake of having 'political power.' I am a living testament on how my precious vote vanished.

I grew up in a family that is active in politics, but fortunately, I grew up as an idealistic politician's daughter. But I won't give any further info about that. That's another story. Though I admit, that made and molded my views on Philippine politics.

Going back, it's obvious, the movement is seeking for nothing other than a political reform. They, like me, believe that we deserve something better than the 'usual.' They too believe that no one could initiate change but us. They too believe that there's still a chance for excellent, nationalistic leadership. There is, and fortunately, it's in our hands.

I have nothing against the two names being tagged as the future of the future. I have nothing bad to say against them. After all, I haven't seen how they were able to catch these people's attention. I haven't seen how they have initiated change in their own districts after their election. I haven't seen their passion in their leadership.

For me, everyone is capable of changing the political status of our country. I believe everyone can initiate change as long as the intention is pure. It doesn't matter if you're a priest or a disabled. What matters is, you are willing to offer nothing other than selflessness. After which, everything follows.

One more thing, change can't be done in just a fraction of a second or a snap of a finger or overnight. It's something to be done everyday. It also doesn't necessarily have to come from anyone, for it comes from within each one of us. We are the greatest tool for change. We, the Filipino people are the best machinery towards the advent of a better nation.

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Taken!

If I remember it right, I got the chance to see the teaser of Taken, a movie led by Liam Neeson's one Sunday afternoon while watching a television show - I forgot the channel. I was amazed and thrilled at that same time. Not because I am a fan of the lead actor (I don't know him actually), but because I recognized the movie.

I told my sister about it. I told her that I saw the movie already. She was like, "Panong napanood eh di pa nga showing?" Then, the assurance came when I remembered where I saw the movie, not once, but twice. In an installment basis. Yes, I saw it twice. The first was the middle part down to the end, and the second was from the beginning to the middle part of the movie.

And so where did I watch the movie? It was on sunny weekdays while traveling. Yes, I saw it inside the bus. I was heading to the office then. It was actually of different days. I just couldn't remember the time or days difference.

Anyway, I also mentioned it to my officemate, who happened to be a Liam fan. I said I was able to watch the movie already. I even told her that my sister

doesn't believe me. Then she apparently informed me that maybe the movie was a pirated copy since it was shown in the US last year (2008). Thanks to

Manongs Driver and Kundoktor. I'm not way behind the movie addicts who craves for hollywood films but don't bother to love their own.

Well, what is this movie all about? The story is about a father, which was played by Neeson, who saved her 17-year old daughter from an Albanese gang inclined with human trafficking. Neeson played a retired agent (secret service) here.

The story is something that would really catch your attention. It's really thrilling and would really bring your curiousity to life on how would Bryan Mills (Neeson) be able to save her beloved daughter from the kidnapping.

The plot is actually very predictable, but the process is not. And that I think what made it a really a good movie to watch. Though I bet it won't be that of a hit. Or I might be wrong. Who knows anyway?

Again and Again

Sa hindi ko maipalaiwanag na dahilan, mula kaninang umaga nang ako ay umalis ng bahay hanggang sa nakarating ako sa opisina, kinakanta ko yung Again ni Janet Jackson. Di ko naman masabing dahil ito sa LSS o Last Song Sydrome dahil nung isang araw ko pa huling narinig yung kanta.

Hina-hum ko pa nga yung kanta habang binabaybay ng bus ang EDSA. Sana eh hindi napaghalataan ni Lolang katabi ko sa bus [hehehe]. Eh ano nga bang meron sa kanta? Ang masasabi ko lang, ubod ng lungkot yung kanta. Pero naman, maganda ang tune nya. Tipong kung gusto mo magpakasenti o kaya ay nahihirapan kang matulog, suggestion ko lang eh try mong pakinggan yung kanta kung di ka maiyak o kaya makatulog.

Anyway, so bakit ko nga ba sya kinakanta? Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko talaga alam, swear! Basta ang alam ko lang, kinakanta ko at hina-hum yun. Para sa ibang taong di alam kung ano yung kantang tinutukoy ko, heto ang lyrics:

Again
by Janet Jackson


I heard from a friend today
And she said you were in town
Suddenly the memories came back to me in
My mind


Chorus:
How can I be strong I've asked myself
Time and time I've said
That I'll never fall in love with you again


A wounded heart you gave,
My soul you took away
Good intentions you had many,
I know you did
I come from a place that hurts,
an' God knows how I've cried
And I never want to return
Never fall again
Making love to you oh it felt so good and
Oh so right

Repeat Chorus

So here we are alone again,

Didn't think it'd come to this
And to know it all began
With just a little kiss
I've come too close to happiness,
To have it swept away
Don't think I can take the pain
Never fall again
Kinda late in the game
And my heart is in your hands
Don't you stand there and then tell me
You love me
Then leave again
'Cause I'm falling in love with you again
Hold me, hold me
Don't ever let me go
Say it just one time
Say you love me
God knows I do love you again


Hindi naman ako makarelate sa kanta. Para lang malinaw. Masyadong madrama ang kanta para makarelate ako (defensive?hahaha..Hindi!). Ayun na nga. Hanggang ngayon (time check: 12:53PM), pinapakinggan ko pa din yung kanta. Actually, ito lang ang kantang pinapakinggan ko mula pa kanina. Naka-repeat nga lang ang media player ko. Song of the day ko atang maituturin ito.

Nga pala, kinakanta ko din pala yung Water Runs Dry ng Boys II Men kanina pero saglit lang. Pagkatapos nun ay balik Again na naman ako.

Again and Again ang drama ko. Ewan ko nalang kung di ko pa mamemorize yung kanta [hahaha].

Maaga kong lilisanin ang opisina mamaya, mga bandang alas-4 ay aalis na ako. Kaso may malaki akong problema, saan ako pupunta after ng trabaho ko? Saan ba ako pwedeng magmuni-muni? Ayoko sa bahay. Ayoko ng hassle eh. Iniisip ko, ano kaya kung pumunta akong Mendiola at magsimba sa Baste? Kaso wala naman akong kasama. Malulungkot lang ako dahil never pa akong nagsimba doon ng mag-isa (yes! ang drama!).

Anyway, iniisip kong pumunta ng SM Makati. Lalakarin ko mula dito sa opis hanggang SM. Kaso, wala na naman akong kasama. Sa layo ba naman, nakakabagot mag-isa. At isa pa, baka mawala ako. Di ko naman kasi kabisado yung papunta dun kung dun ako sa shortcut. Gusto ko kasi sanang pumunta sa Chapel ng Greenbelt. Ang cute kasi. Oo, cute yung chapel nila. First time ko syang nakita last week ata yun. Di naman kasi ako palagala dito sa Makati. Kaso, ayun nga, nagdadalawang isip ako kung lalakarin ko ba o sasakay akong bus? Bahala na nga lang.

Kahapon pala nang magawi akong Rob Galleria, napagpasyahan kong bumili ng pants (pero wala kong nabili dahil . . .). Sa kasamaang palad, isang pants lang ang nakapasok sa taste ko. At kapag minalas ka nga naman, hindi kumasya sakin. Oo, napagtanto ko, baka naman nagkalaman na nga ako. Pano kasi, naglalaro lang naman sa 26 o 27 ang waist ko, pero kahapon, nang aking sinukat yung BNY na pants, di nagkasya sakin yung 27. Naisip ko naman baka maliliit lang kasi ang sizes nila. Ngunit, subalit napagtanto ko na hindi nga pala kids section yun. Ladies section ang pinuntahan ko. Kudos sa'kin kung ganun! Yipey!

Sa kasalukuyan nga pala ay naghihitay nalang akong mag alas-4 para makalayas na ng opis. Alas-9 pa lang kasi tapos na'ko sa lahat ng gawain ko for today.

Ang saya! Ayun. Sana April na para masaya! Sana makauwi akong province. Hay. Puro na naman ako sana. Sana at Sana. Again and Again.

Ano Nga Ba Ang Silbi Ng Alumni Card?

Out of being a PEP (Philippine Entertainment Portal) enthusiast, I came across with John Lapus's blog (under PEP as well). On his latest blog post, my attention was caught with the question, "Ano nga ba ang gamit ng Alumni Card?" I admit, napaisip ako bigla.

Oo nga naman, ano nga ba ang silbi ng alumni card maliban sa isa itong instrumento para makapasok ka sa iyong minamahal na Alma Mater. Ako man din ay napapaisip sa kung bakit pa naimbento ang Alumni Card. Hindi naman kasi sya tinatanggap bilang isang valid ID (identification card) ng mga establishment gaya ng mall, bangko, at iba pa.

Isipin nyo, kahit naman wala kang alumni card, pwede ka pa ring makapasok sa dati mong eskwelahan, di ba? Napagtanto ko tuloy, hindi kaya ka-echosan lang yun ng mga unibersidad/paaralan? Tipong para pandagdag lang sa listahan ng mga babayarin. Mautak talaga.

Nang minsan akong nagawi sa aking sinisintang pamantasan (naks! kunyari proud Escolarina ako), sa aking pagkakaalala, mga dalawang buwan matapos ako grumaduate, naisipan kong tumambay sa University Library. Iniisip ko kasi, may alumni card ako, at certified Alumna ako ng pamantasan. Hindi naman ako nag-iisa, kasama ko noon ang aking mga minamahal na block-mates.

Mga halos isang oras na rin ang nakalipas ng bigla kaming nilapitan ng librarian. Tinanong kami kung ano daw ba ang ginagawa namin doon (naka-civilian clothes kami noon kaya naman halatang di na kami estudyante)? Dahil nga sa may alumni card kami, pinakita namin ang katibayan at sinabing, "Alumni po kami, nagbabasa lang po kami (ng dyaryo, pero echos lang din yun dahil nga nakatambay lang talaga kami dun, papalipas lang ng oras). Aba! Nabigla kami sa sagot ng aming beloved librarian. Sabi nya, "Nagrereview ba kayo? Ano ba course nyo?" Sinagot namin iyon ng katotohanan, "Hindi po, MassComm graduates po kami."

Tapos sabi nya, "May permission ba kayo mula sa head ng library?" Napatingin nalang kaming magkakasama sa isa't isa. Medyo mabait naman si Ms. Librarian, sabi kasi namin di namin alam na hindi pala pwedeng pumasok ng library ang mga alumni na kagaya namin ng walang pahintulot. Sabi nya, hindi nga raw pwedeng pumasok ang mga alumni maliban nalang kung humingi ng kaukulang permiso o di kaya ay nagrereview. Sa totoo ang, nadismaya kami. Napaisip tuloy kami ng aking mga kasama kung bakit at ano pa't alumni kami? Unang una, hindi naman kami nanggugulo sa library, tahimik lang naman kami.

Ngunit dahil kami ay masugid na tagasunod ng 'Sciencia y Virtud' o Science and Virtue (yun ang university slogan, if i may call it), lumabas na lamang kami ng library. Di na namin kwenistyon ang patakaran, eh malamang kahit tama kami, sila pa rin ang tama (ganun naman lagi, di ba?).

Going back, so ano nga ba ang silbi ng alumni card kung hanggang pagpasok lang naman ng unibersidad ang pwede. Dahil di pala sakop ng privilege ng pagkakaroon nito ang makagamit ng university facilities (which i bet sa ibang unibersidad eh pinapayagan naman ang ganun). Ano pa't binayaran namin ng pagkamahal-mahal ang card na yun (para lang pala masabi na alumni kami ng pamantasan)?

Mabuti sana kung masasagot ang aking mga katanungan ng mga may kinauukulan. Pero dahil na rin sa ayoko maiskandalo, never mind nalang. Dito nalang sa blog. Saka ko na babalikan ang mga taong makakapagpaunawa sakin sa tunay na halaga ng alumni card kapag ready na ako [hehehe].

The Best Era of My Life

If there's one period of time in my life that i would consider as the best, that would be the time when i was in my high school. I guess a lot of people will agree to that. High school is absolutely the best part of one's life. It's the time when you experience almost all the 'firsts' in one's life.

As for me, i learned a lot from it - more than the experiences, it's the lessons learned out of every scene you were into that counts.

It was during high school when i learned . . .

. . .that sometimes, it's good to break the rules [especially when it comes to having negotiations with manong guard = we used to leave the school premises during break time - actually, even during class hours - [mas masarap kasi pagkain sa labas ng school...hehehe}]

. . .that it's more exciting and fun when your teachers are mad at you [hahaha...i remember teacher 'zero' (pronounced as 'se-rou'), she have this famous line that even up to now i still manage to laugh when it comes to mind..."Anong akala n'yo sa mga sarili n'yo?Kayo lang ang may K?"]

. . .that roaming around the school premises while class hours is fun! [take note: we have the "PERMISSION TO LEAVE' tag with us kaya ok lang talaga]

. . .that having a conversation with the school guidance counselor is not that freaky [t'was my first year then when our GC asked me to see her because of a particular issue, which happened to be a plain 'chismis'; our GC's famous line, "Hmm...I smell something fishy."]

. . .that it's okay to fail sometimes [i remember my lowest grade then was 80, and that's failure for me...hehehe]

. . .that being kicked out from the honor roll is not a big deal [as long as you have a good bunch of buddies]

. . .that there's nothing wrong with bullying, then seeing the Prefect of Discipline after [hahaha...when our POD asked why we bullied our dear friend/classmate who happened to be our student teacher in Math, my ka-berks said, "Ma'am kasi po inagaw nya ang ex ko." (hahaha...nice one!)]

. . .that talking about your teachers inside a carenderia is not bad [ateng chismosa happened to know who we were referring to and she squealed it to the person involved! viola! our barkada was asked for an 'interrogation' at the Faculty Room (sad to say, i was in the city then)]

. . .that being called to see the School Principal is an experience of a lifetime [t'was us versus the student council president and again, teacher 'zero'; who win the battle? no one, our principal was 'cool' literally]

. . .that cutting classes is the best especially during Physics class [tapos diretso na sa canteen, ready for recess!hahaha...miss that!]

. . .that being 'mataray' will lead you to stardom [yes indeed, i was and that helped in my popularity...too bad...]

. . .that teachers do have the right to back stab their students [ow...if i remember it right, they have this barkada (the teachers), they're like irritated on me because one of them, who happened to be my brother's friend said, "Sinisiraan n'ya ako sa kuya n'ya..." she was very affected Daw dahil nanliligaw Daw ang kuya ko sa kanya...too bad...i didn't even know that "fact"]

. . .that laughing during class discussion is amazing [kaw ba naman, seryoso ka sa pagbabasa kasabay ng teacher mo tas maririnig mong sasabihin n'ya ang mga katagang 'pay day' (pronounced as: 'pai-dai'); malalaman mo nalang, payday (a.k.a. sweldo) pala ibig n'yang sabihin...hahaha]

But aside from all the 'kalokohan' that I learned in high school, there are these important learnings that even up to now, i still carry with me wherever i go. It's when I was in high school that I also learned . . .

. . .how to build friendships even with your once upon a time worst enemy [it feels really good...swear!]

. . .how to fight for what you think is right [i guess that's why most of our teachers used to hate us then, we're not teachers' pet kasi and we really speak out our concerns when needed]

. . .how to create bond with the young batches [it feels good when someone calls you 'ate' or 'kuya,' right?]

. . .how to strengthen your old relationships [i mean yung friends mo back when you were just in your elementary days]

. . .how to rekindle old companionship

. . .how to welcome new people in your life regardless of who they are and where they came from

. . .how to feel inspired [with a bunch of crushes around...ewan ko nalang]

. . .how to stand up even if a lot of people try to pull you down

. . .how to stay with your buddies despite all the controversies

. . .how to keep good friends

. . .how to pray not just for your self but for your friends as well

. . .how to be a good person even if others thought you're not

Above all, I would be forever grateful that it was during my high school years that i learned . . .

. . .how to stick with people who won't [for sure] leave you behind

. . .how to become a confidant and an 'ate' not just to those younger than me but to my kadas as well [it feels really great]

. . .how to love your friends unconditionally

There are actually a lot more. But among the many great experiences I've had then, these are what i cherish most. These are the things that made me believe that 'high school life is really the best.' These are the learnings i will continue to bear with me as i journey through life. These are the memories i won't forever be tired of reminiscing. These are the moments i would gladly share to my husband-to-be, children-to-be, and who knows, even my grandchildren-to-be.

Kudos to all the people who made my high school life both miserable and wonderful. You made a great job!:D

I Left, He Stayed

While I was surfing the net, i came across a blog site wherein i encountered [for the first time] the song What If by Babyface. I became curious with the song so i Googled it. Fortunately, I was able to listen to the song through Imeem.

The song is 'cute.' When I say so, it means i liked it. Di naman ako ganun nakarelate sa kanta but I managed to like it [at least...I even finished the entire song]. After which, I saw the song title in the 'sort of' directory [i don't know how you call it...i'm not into imeem...] 'Forever Best Friends by Puff Daddy.' Again, out of my curiousity, I listened to the song.

After the first line, I managed to recall that this is the song i used to sing back when i was on my fourth year in highschool. The first 'rap' song that caught my attention. I remember my ka-beks [kabarkada] introduced the song to me. I fell in love with it the first time i heard it. It's because of one simple reason, it talks about faith, friendship, and God.

The whole song is really full of faith. But I say, the chorus is the best part of it. It says:

Lord, you mean the world to me
Before I was born you chose me
You always hear me when I'm calling
Even catch me when I'm falling
You're the closest one to me
I surrender all to thee
I want the whole wide world to see
That we've always been and we'll always be
Best friends

Yes indeed, He is our/MY BESTRIEND.

I went through many trials and yes, sufferings for the past months. I'd say, I've been through the peak of disastrous circumstances. I cried for several

times. I even thought, "wala na yata akong maiiiyak pa." I can even recall one time wherein I felt so alone that I just cried myself to sleep. When I was

younger, I thought 'sa mga pelikula at teleserye lang nangyayari yung ganun.' But today I realized, it really happens in real life.

Sa buhay, maraming beses kang madadapa o kaya'y malulugmok ng di mo inaasahan. Maraming beses kang iiyak na tila ba mauubusan ka na ng luha. Maraming beses

kang babangon pero sa bawat pagbangon, kaalinsabay nito ang reyalidad na maaaring mahulog kang muli sa patibong ng buhay.

Dati akala ko 'korni' and mga taong umiiyak at nagsusumamo sa Kanya para lang maisakatuparan ang lahat ng kahilingan nila. Ngayon, napagtanto ko, isa na rin ako sa mga taong minsan kong inakalang 'korni.' Dumating ako sa puntong humanap ako ng sagot sa Kanya dahil sa hindi ko maintindihan ang mga bagay sa paligid ko. Dumating sa puntong kwenistiyon ko Sya.

Ngunit sa likod ng bawat tanong, sa bawat sumbat, sa bawat pang-iiwan, napagtanto kong, kahit kailan, hindi Sya nawala.

My best friend stayed and will stay even if I ask Him to part from me.

My best friend won't leave me even if I reject him over and over again.

My best friend will be my best friend no matter how hard I push Him away.

My best friend will always be MY BEST FRIEND.

It's the Innocence that I Miss

"There comes a time in your life when your are left with no other choices but to move on no matter how painful it may seem."

I've been a fighter myself. I've gone through a lot of unfortunate era in my twenty-one years in this planet, or what we call, world. Living is not my destiny, it's my prerogative. I can choose to end my weary life but I'd rather choose to live with it no matter how heart-breaking the instances I've been and I'll be into.

When i was a kid, I've always been eager to become an adult. I've wanted to fast-forward my life. I've wanted to keep myself away from being a child. I've wanted to be a grown-up. But today, i say, i wish i could go back to the day when i was a kid wishing hard to become an adult. It's as if, if only I could start life over again, i would've enjoyed my childhood or perhaps change it.

The regrets are in. What can I do? Though i can still do some childish acts, i have to refrain it because I AM AN ADULT now [it's not good to look at anyway].

When I was a kid, i wished to fall in love, now that i had fallen in love, I'd wish I could go back to the time when i was just a kid wishing to experience love for the first time.

There are many things that I wished I was or had been when i was still that little girl from a 'kinda' far island. A place far from the streetlights in the city. A place far from the realities of the city life.

Now, now that I'm a grown up, all i have is a wish that time would allow me to live my life all over again, or if not, allow me to be a kid wishful of so many things, for the rest of my life.

It's not that I hate being an adult, it's just that I love the innocence of a once upon a time, a kid who dreams of everything life can offer.

Random Thoughts [Yesterday and Today]

Patapos na naman ang araw. Maya-maya kikitain ko ang aking bespren. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero napagtanto ko na sa araw na ito, bihira akong ngumiti. Ang buhay nga naman talaga, ultimo ‘mood’ ko pinapakialaman. Gusto ko naman sanang maging masaya, kaya lamang, hindi ko talaga magawa. Kakalungkot nga eh. Pero naisip ko lang [as in ngayon lang], hindi kaya 16th of the Month Syndrome ito?

Oo, may ganun! At ako lang ang may karapatang magakaroon ng sakit na iyon. Bahala na kayong intindihin kung ano ang ibig kong sabihin. Malamang, wala naman sigurong naliligaw na multo sa blog ko [hahaha..what a multo!?]. Ayun nga, sabi ko nga, marahil dahil ika-16 ngayon ng buwan kaya wala ako sa sarili. Kung pwede nga lang sanang manhid nalang ako sa araw na ito. O di kaya biglang shift nalang sana [hehehe..gagawa akong sariling kalendaryo].

Ngunit, subalit, ek ek, ayoko rin naming mawala ang 16 sa kalendaryo dahil marami din naman kasing magaganda at masasayang tagpo ang nangyari sa araw na ito. Dapat nga yata ang ika-4 ng buwan ang dapat na mawala sa kalendaryo [hahaha..o pareho nalang kaya?].

Pero hindi rin naman siguro, ilang beses na rin kasing dumaan ang ika-16 at ika-4 ng buwan pero ayos lang naman ako. Ngayon lang hindi. Marahil dala na rin ng mga taong hindi ko maintindihan ang trip sa buhay [bawal magname-names dahil baka may gumalang multo..hehehe]. Kung araw-araw nga naman, ganung klaseng tao ang makakasalamuha ko, naku, lagot na. Kawawa naman ako.

Nga pala, napagtanto ko lang, kahapon/kagabi, napatingin ako sa salamin [maraming beses actually], napansin kong ang laki na ng braso ko. Di pa naman kapareho ng braso ni _____ [kayo na bahala kung sino..hahaha], pero in fairness, improving ang lola mo. Pati kamo tiyan ko. Natatakot ako. Ayoko ng bilbil [hehehe]! Pero masaya ako, dahil feeling ko, unti-unti nang nagkakatotoo ang mga plano ko sa buhay [ang magkalaman naman kahit konti lang].

Balik tayo sa kasalukuyan, napagtanto ko [ulit], ang tagal matapos ng aking pagbabasa ng Brida [libro ni Paulo Coelho]. Feeling ko tuloy nawawala na interes ko sa pagbabasa o sadyang namumuno lang talaga ang katamaran sa’kin ngayon. Huwag naman sana. Ayokong tamarin sa pagbabasa. Ayokong dumating ang araw na mawala ang interes ko sa pagbabasa [ayoko ding dumating ang araw na tamarin akong tuparin ang mga pangarap ko…Ayoko!]. Sana maibalik ko na ang interes ko sa mga bagay na minsan nang nagpasaya sa akin. Sana bigyan muli ako ng pagkakataon na kahit isang minsan lang, mabigyan muli ako ng pagkakataong panghawakan ang mga bagay na nawala at unti-unti nang nawawala. Sana may minsan pa, at minsan ay may sana pa.

Nang Minsan Akong Nagawi sa Isang Blogsite

. . . mga pananaw ayon sa sariling karanasan [charos!]



=>Kahapon [March 12, 2009], dala na rin ng pagkabagot ko dahil nga dalawa lang ang artikulong naka-aasign sa’kin para sa araw nay un, napagpasyahan kong mag-google [mag-search] ng mga blog sites na kwela. Yun bang makakawala ng pagkabagot ko.

Sa kabutihang palad, nakatagpo naman ako ng katapat. Ayun. Napunta ako sa GreenPinoy.com at sa Leynv.blogspot.com. una kong binigyang pansin ang GreenPinoy.com. Hanep. Astig. Ang kwela [though may mga entries o posts na korni…hehehe]. Overall, nakapawi naman sya sa nalulumbay kong oras [hahaha..ang korni..].

Sa kabutihang pala, doon ko din natagpuan ang mga makukulit nab log sites. Lahat naman ng mga yun ay pinuntahan ko. Tiningnan ko kung bakit sila tinag [tagged] bilang makukulit na blogista. Sa kabuuan, masasabi kong may iilang kasali sa listahan na medyo hindi pumasok sa taste ko [hahaha…]. May mga makukulit talaga, may nagpapaka, at may sadyang wala lang.
Pero sa lahat ng iyon, masasabi kong ayos ang blog ni Leyn . Though medyo iritable ako sa maarte, masasabi ko namang may kabuluhan ang pagiging “maarte” ni Miss Jologs Socialite. Hindi naman sya nakakairita. Sa tingin ko, may karapatan naman syang mag-inarte [either ways…literal man o hindi..pananaw nyo nay un].

Natawa at nakulitan naman ako sa mga entries nya. At natuwa ako sa ideya nya ng hindi pagpapahintulot sa mga taong magkumento. Oo nga naman kasi, pansarili nyang pananaw iyon. Kaya walang pakialaman [cheers Ms. JS!hehehe].
Sa aking pagbabasa, narrating ko ang blog post nyang ito . . .


Of Ranting and Blunting (Titulo ng Blog Post)

“There are some things that should be left unsaid...

...one lesson that I've learned so far. I've been bugged by problems lately and I couldn't afford to be left out by my friends... friends? But, to what extent should you trust your life to them?

My life has been an open book to the people I love most; which I realized (in some cases) is wrong. Openness can lead to tons of negative reason that can be against you. Trustworthy friends might assume that they-know-all; your moves, decisions, the way you dress or even how you fall in love. Then if that so, can I sarcastically leave my ruined life for her to fix?

I really love being in a crowd, that's why I always try to make an effort to introduce all my friends from different worlds to meet and also befriends with one another. I never thought that this can lead to something... that there might be instances that they'll be talking behind my back or cause a ruined friendship. More like of, I've created a monster in one of them.”


Nakarelate ako. Oo nga, tama si Ms. L [hehehe…dami kong tawag..pasensya..]. I share the same sentiments regarding friends who tend to act as if they know me well. They act as if I have no ‘right to privacy’. Friends who thought I couldn’t stand up for myself.

I AM NOT AGAINST THEIR SPECIAL TREATMENT. I AM ACTUALLY THANKFUL AND FLATTERED. Kaya lang, kahit sinong tao ay darating sa puntong mas guustuhing mag-isa at magdesisyon ng mag-isa kesa humingi ng kung samo’t saring opinyon na sya naming hindi maintindihan ng iba [other friends].

Minsan, you’d rather talk less nalang instead of proclaiming to the whole society how you truly feel. Yet here are your so-called friends na hindi maintindihan ang ibig sabihin ng “alone” at ng “silence.”

IT’S OKAY TO COMFORT YOUR FRIENDS for I too do that. But, make sure that your friend [the one being comforted] does want your comfort. Minsan kasi, hindi nakakatulong. Minsan, nakakadagdag pa sa load na dinadala. BUT of course, IT DEPENDS UPON WHO THAT FRIEND IS/ARE.

But yes, the worst scene one could ever be into is, being talked by her ‘circle of friends’ behind her back. I haven’t experienced it yet [or maybe I am just not that aware] so I will be speaking for other people [perhaps my friends or colleagues or family]. It hurts really. It’s like crushing you down without giving you notice. It’s like being dumped. It’s like being hit by a knife from way behind your back. It is. It does.

On the other hand, I too understand why some of us [yes, I confess, I too talk behind my friends back…but with reasons…I’m giving you the right to pre-judge me] tend to talk behind our friends’ back. Personally, I do/did because there are really some people who couldn’t stand any comment. Meaning, people who don’t know how to listen to other people’s opinion. And us [let’s tag ‘us’ as the concerned ones…not the other way around], we have no choice but to speak up at least to somebody who we know share the same sentiment to the same person [the one you’re talking about].

Anyway, so where am I now? Well, I’m both. I won’t act as if I’m innocent of the said crime [back-stabbing]. I too is guilty of the said crime. Well, I guess, no one in this world naman ang hindi pa nakakapag-commit ng nasabing krimen [please allow me to use the word crime for this entry lang naman…hehehe].

Sa pangkabuuan, mas makakabuti sigurong manahimik nalang kung may opinion ka man o ikaw man ang nasasakdal [the person who’s being ‘comforted’ ulit]. Mas mabuti sigurong kung may personal kang pananaw sa buhay ay idaan mo nalang sa blog. Gaya nito [hahahaha].

Basta, ang alam ko lang to sum it all up. If you are a FRIEND, be it. if you choose to be an ENEMY, stand up for it. If you want to comfort your friend, do it in a subtle way or if not, WAIT until he/she is ready to speak up. Wag mong pangunahan ang kaibigan mo. Learn how to wait. :P

Still

True enough, I know I haven’t moved on yet. I known in myself I still haven’t accepted that sad turn of events. I still have this hope in my heart. I still daydream of him coming back into my arms. I tried. I know I tried real hard to stop hoping. To end reminiscing all that the past has given me. Absolutely, it’s past. So why bother thinking about it, still?

I couldn’t get it though, for no matter how much I try not to bother myself thinking about everything that happened, I’m still caught in the middle. Everyday I try to put my attention to something else, but sad to say, every time I try, I end up wounded, still.

The process of getting there is really hard, as for me. There are times that I even end up bugging my self about going there, but apparently, I just can’t. Maybe because I’m too preoccupied with memories. I tried to preoccupy myself with hatred. But at the end of the day, I can’t help but do love him, still.

Now I’m stuck. Stuck in the middle of nowhere alone. No one to speak out about how I feel. Nobody to share my anguish. No one knows how I’m truly feeling about everything. All I have is my God, who knows nothing but how painful the wounds are. All I have is my God and I, no one else, still.

Ikalawang Yugto: Peksman! Nabasa Ko Ang Libro Ni Atalia

Dahil na rin sa napaka-ineteresanteng tema nito, di ko napigilan ang sarili na magbasa kahit pa habang binabaybay ng bus na sinasakyan ko ang EDSA. Sadyang nakakatawa ngunit di ko rin maitatangging napapadalawang-isip ako sa mga punto ni Vladimir. Oo nga naman, may punto talaga si Vladimir.

Sa wakas nakarating na din sa paroroonan kaya naman oras na ulit para sambitin ang, “itutuloy . . .” Natapos ang aking araw, balik-bahay na ulit. Pagkatapos maghapunan, sugod na agad sa loob ng kwarto upang mabasa ang libro ni Atalia.

Habang binabasa ko iyon, hindi ko maiwaglit ang sadyang pagkakapareho nila ni Ong. Estilong kwentong kalye. Ngunit, sa kalaunan, napagtanto ko ang konting pagkakaiba nila. Si Atalia ay may mga banat na sadyang malaman. Yun bang malalim ang ibig sabihin ngunit sa madaling pananalita nya ito iprenesinta. Hindi ko sinasabing walang lalim si Ong. Mayroon din naman syang kalaliman, ngunit mas payak lamang (me ganun?).

Isa pa sa kanilang pagkakaiba ay, karamihan sa libro ni Ong ay parang pinag-isang libro ng maraming kwento. Samantalang ang kay Atalia, naka-focus lamang ito sa iisang kwento. Ang paglalakbay, opinyon, pagninilaynilay at karanasan ni Vladimir patungo sa pagkakaroon ng trabaho.

Maraming malalamang salita ang binitawan ni Atalia sa kanyang libro. Ngunit, may ilang tumatak sa aking isipan. Yun bang hindi na maiwaglit sa isipan ko. Gaya na lamang ng pagkukwento nya tungkol sa kanyang opinyon kung ba’t hindi na lamang ang mga sindikato ang mamuno sa bansa. Aaminin ko, napaisip ako ng kanyang ibinigay ang kanyang mga punto.

Di ko rin makalimutan yung magagarang pamumuhay ng mga mayayaman gayong marami sana silang natulungan imbes na ilagok nila ang kanilang yaman sa pagkaing masyadong mahal. Oo nga naman, isang kapiranggot na order sa halagang di makatarungan kung susuriin. Napaisip tuloy ako at naihambing ko iyon sa mga taong mahilig mamili ng mga bag, sapatos at kung anu-ano pang gamit na ang mga presyo ay sadyang nakakahilo sa sobrang kamahalan. Kung sana lang naisip man lang sana ng mga taong iyon kung ga’no karami ang naghihirap sa buong mundo.

Nakakalungkot nga naman kasi kung iisipin na habang ang karamihan sa atin ay naghihingalo sa estado ng kahirapan, may iilang di yata alam kung pano gagastusin ang kanilang kayamanan na ang napagdedeskitahan ay ang mga designer's bags, shoes, clothes. Nakakaloka kung tutuusin. Kung sana lang ay iniisip nila kung ilang tao ang maaring makakain sa halaga ng mga gamit na kanilang bibilhin. Marahil, siguro, nabago ang kanilang pag-iisip. Ngunit, subalit, hindi sila marunong mag-isip, at wala na tayong magagawa doon.

Sa kabilang dako, napaisip din ako sa puntong, kahit pa iba ang kurso ni Vladimir ay napunta sya sa isang trabahong masyadong malayo sa kursong tinapos nya. Oo nga naman, ito ang realidad ng buhay. Sa loob ng apat na taon mong pag-aaral/pagsasanay sa napiling kurso, iilan lang ang nakakapasok ng trabaho na naaayon sa kursong tinapos. Buhay nga naman. Ang lupet! Pero ayos lang, sabi nga, sa panahon nga naman ngayon, wala nang dapat pang mag-inarte. Nararapat lang na magpasalamat kapag ikaw ay nakakuha ng trabaho, di bale nang naaayon ito sa kursong natapos o hindi.

Di ko maipagkakailang naka-relate ako sa buhay ni Vladimir o mas mabuti atang sabihin kong, naramdaman ko ang mga puntong ipinupunto ni Vladimir. Sadyang may punto nga naman kasi.

Sa kabuuan, wala akong ibang masasabi kundi, astig si Atalia. Nailarawan nya ang buhay ng isang ordinaryong tao na ang tanging hangad ay magkatrabaho at maging “may silbi” sa lipunan. Nailarawan din n’ya ang isang taong may pakialam sa bansang sinilangan n’ya.

Sa aking pansariling pagmumuni-muni, base na rin sa libro ni Atalia, isang buwan nalang halos at ilang libong mag-aaral na naman ang magtatapos. Oo nga naman, sa dinami-rami nila na wala pang karanasan sa kahit na anong trabaho [iyon nga naman kasi ang mas pinapaburan ng mga nakararaming kumpanya], saan kaya sila pupulutin?

Tanong: Saan nga kaya ako makakabili ng unang libro ni Atalia? Interesado kasi akong basahin yun kaya lamang ay wala akong makita sa bookstore. Marapat lamang na ako’y inyong sabihan kung may alam kayong maaari kong pagbilhan. Salamat po!