102th Post

I missed my 100th post. The thought of writing something special as a theme for my 100th post vanished. It was only now that I realized, I missed counting my posts.

This is my 102th post. Honestly, I am now like facing a blank page, staring at it, doesn't know how to fill it up.

As I write this, I feel a little gloomy, I think the music I am listening to has something to do with it. Also, I feel groggy. I am quite sick, and yet instead of staying at home and resting to regain my strength, I opted to go to office. I thought of it a couple of times this morning though. I decided to just go on my daily routines instead of heading the other way because I couldn't bear staying at home anyway.

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This morning, I remember reading a friend's post, which was recommended by our common friend. As I read every word she wrote, every emotion there was as she was writing it, I couldn't help but fight hard my tears as my colleagues might think I'm not okay. Well, though I am really not okay, I'm still well. Contradicting? Never mind. As I was saying, I was touched. I felt how she felt after losing one of the most important people in her life, her dad.

Then here comes the thought. I am the type of person who other people think has a strong personality. Though I am admittedly a cry-baby, I still am a warrior in dealing with life. But I must admit, losing one member of the family could break my heart and soul terribly bad. Just a few weeks back, our family lost a good friend. She succumbed to death after fighting with the Big C. When I learned about the news, I honestly felt scared. Scared of the reality that perhaps one day, just like her, my own parents would pass.

I remember my father telling my brother that they too shall pass and that they won't be here for us all the time. Whenever that thought comes to mind, I always feel really scared. I honestly am not ready for that. Whenever I receive a call or text from home that tells me about my parents getting sick, I always end up worrying. Call me paranoid, but I guess it's all about knowing in yourself how much you love them and how unready you are for life's consequences.

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People close to me, or even a few who know me know that I am not pretty well as I look. I am not normal. Okay, let me rephrase that, I am normal but I have my share of abnormality. I have a lifetime sickness that makes me feel blessed instead of feeling bad about it.

When I first learned that I have a mitral valve prolapse about four to five years ago, I felt scared as I thought there'll be a need for me to change my lifestyle, or worst, to go through an operation. I felt bad - a little - because I thought that of all people, why someone like me who doesn't have any vice had to have this. I felt bad, I had my share of questioning, but at the end of the day, I realized how lucky I am to have this disease.

Call me weird for feeling blessed about it, but really, I am. I remember a priest once said that whenever you feel the weight of the earth, feel happy about it because you know you have a God who's so willing to back you up. A God that won't leave you behind. A great God who's always there for us.

Having this heart condition is not a joke. Imagine, I am prohibited to do things that might be a threat to my health. Things that I wish I have the capability to do, like climb a mountain, do extreme sports, and other physical stuff.

There was one incident that actually made me realize how serious my condition is. It was when a doctor told me that if my heart won't do well with all the medications I've had, I might end up going through an operation - a change of the affected valve, which really is scary on my part. I remember the doctor explaining things to me but I wasn't listening. I let my mom absorb all the information he was saying.

Oh, I remember the days when I had to go through series of tests: ECG, 2D Echo, chest X-ray, three different blood tests. I felt exhausted then, but in my mind, I was actually enjoying having to go through all that. Yes, I may be scared but I was okay with the whole thing. Hey, not all people have the chance to experience those, but I had.

Lately, I had my share of attacks. Of course, nobody knew about it. My heart ached - literally - once in awhile, but I opted not to give it much attention. For me, it's always all in the mind. If you'll think you're not okay, then your body will respond to that. So whenever it aches, I just tell myself. "Just don't mind." I am not scared of it anymore. I am actually so into it that going through the aches is normal.

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I know, after reading my post, you might be thinking that I am into a sort of emotional breakdown. Well,  not really, though yesterday, I cried for no reason, or maybe there was, I was just too preoccupied not to distinguish the main reason.

Anyway, I just keep reminding myself that whatever it is that's making me feel this way, it too shall pass. One day, things will be better. One day, God will unveil the goodness of this life I have. One day, I will be content with all the blessings I have and feel extremely happy.

I am happy now. I have received a lot of blessings. God showered me with a lot of blessings. He has always been good to me. I am happy. I am grateful. That's a genuine statement. :)

Oh, I just realized, I started this saying that I am staring at a blank page and doesn't know how to fill it up. Surprisingly, I did fill it up. :)

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