Today I'm finally ending all the speculations I have. Today I'll be facing what eats me.
Today I'm finally saying goodbye to my weariness for the past months. All I hope is an honest
answer. I hope that whatever comes out of my friend's mouth, be it good or bad, I just hope I'll be
able to handle things right.
Been through this feeling over and over again. Got all this for sometime already that I just couldn't bear it anymore. I'm being so unfair with him, with her, and most especially
with myself. I would want to end all that should be ended. Afterall, I hate feeling what I feel. I don't want jealousy to eat me up as a person, as a friend. Most of all, I don't want to loose the people I love just because of this very selfish feeling. I must and do have to face it. Not tomorrow but today.
I guess the perfect time, the right time has come for me to end this up. I need to face everything. I need to put a period to all these. More than hurting the people I care most, I'm hurting myself more. I couldn't bearseeing myself so devastated, so lonesome just because of my insecurities, just because of my being so self-centered. Today, I wish myself well. I hope everything will be fine. I pray that whatever truth has in stored for me, I'd be able to deal with it.
It's tough to admit all these to myself. But I'd rather face it now than suffer the not so good consequences later. I'd rather admit my weaknesses now than see myself wounded at the end of the battle without even having a good fight.
God, my only prayer for today is for me to gain enough strength to be able to put things back into normal. That I'd be able to embrace the truth with a humbled heart. That I'd be able to accept that after all, love, forgiveness, and relationships are what matter most in my life. That I may be able to hear nothing but the truth and not just what I wanted to hear. That all of us involved will be able to accept what we feel, and that through it, rekindle the good friendship we once had. That finally, after everything that happened, we'll end up realizing that we matter to each one of us and that loosing one another should never be an option. Acceptance, forgiveness, and love are the keys toward ending a bad part of my journey. Not to mention that I should learn to trust whole heartedly so I'd be able to win and not loose.
God, you've always known how I felt for the past days, weeks, months. I know this is what I need to do. After all, I won't be really capable to love if I won't end all my not so speculations. But if and only if my speculations are true, please give me peace of mind and courage to accept it with all my mind and heart. Please give me the strength to face it rather than sob with it. Please never let me have any second thought of the guy's feelings for me for I know deep in my heart, I should believe it. But if I'm just being blinded with my love for me him, please lead me to seeing the light.
Lord, like what You're son said, "Today, I entrust to You my spirit." Let me say it in my own words, "Today Father God, I entrust to you whathever is ahead of all these. I entrust to you my feelings, both negative and positive. Today, I entrust to you the man I love and the friend who has been so loyal and loving to me but I was just blinded with jealousy that I forgot how I should've valued her. I entrust to you everything and pray that everything will be fine after today. AMEN."
May 24, 2009 - at 7:06AM; room