A Dreamer's Avenue

In celebration of my first year in blogspot, and in lieu to the changes I've had in this blog, I am as well changing it's name from "It's Surreptitious" to "A Dreamer's Avenue."

I have decided to include changing its name because of my vision that the coming year would entail a new life, new experiences, new journeys, new environment, new surroundings, new blogging year for me. I have envisioned that as I bid goodbye to 2009, I will be saying hello to a new and better life ahead.

It's Surreptitious was conceptualized just so I would have a secret room to rant my feelings, both good and bad. It's Surreptitious kept me companied during the times when I had no one to share my thoughts and whereabouts.

A Dreamer's Avenue will give you an idea about the blogger's experiences as she travel the road to reaching her dreams. It will be an avenue for me to share my triumphs and brokenness as I traverse the difficult ways of reaching my heart's desires.

It's definitely going to be an exciting year for me, and I hope your year would be as exciting as mine as well. :)

NOTE: For those who included me in their blog roll, you could just leave my name as it is (but if you could update it, it would be better. :) ). Thank you! Hope you'd still be there as another year in my blogging takes place. :)

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HIGHLIGHTS

In relation to my blog site's first anniversary, I decided to come up with a list of the things that took place since December 9 of 2008 up to this day of blogging.

But before that, let me first give a short recollection on how I came up with this blog. It was actually days after I had my heart broken when I decided to put up a blog to where I could rant about how I was feeling that time. I have friends but I decided then to keep everything to myself. Since, I couldn't bear the pain alone, and that I needed to let the bad feelings out, I launched this blog site.

I did not intend to make it too public. What I meant about that is, I did not tell anyone about this blog. No one knew about it except for myself and those who happened to just discover it by accident. That as well is the reason why it was named Surreptitious Place, now, It's Surreptitious. The word surreptitious by the way is synonymous to the word secret.

Months after, I guess about ten months after, I decided to make friends with other bloggers, exchanged links, and yes, I made it known to everybody (but before I did that, I decided to delete some too personal posts first). Today, I must say I am happy with my decision. I am happy with how I was able to touch my readers through my words (do i? hehehe), and how I was touched by their posts as well.

Okay, so here now. As what I have said earlier, I am going to share to you some of the highlights of my life for my past blogging year. Here it goes.

It was this blogging year that I . . .

- learned how painful it is to have your heart broken.

- learned how to appreciate even more the little things I have.

- learned that you can never predict what's ahead of you, even if you try to plan things out.

- was able to conquer the night life.

- felt rejected not once, twice, but i don't know how many times anymore (hahaha)!

- learned to love my job and stick to it no matter how bored I was feeling already.

- experienced crying while the bus headed EDSA (I was on my way to work then, just don't ask why please).

- learned to laugh at my problems.

- joined Singles for Family and Life.

- was back on track with my religious community for the past fifteen years.

- discovered my passion to serve other people through my own little ways.

- realized that your family will always be your shield, and your source of joy and inspiration.

- re-established my relationship with my God.

- experienced how to fall a lot of times and stood up again every time.

- met new set of friends that I will forever treasure.

- discovered how wonderful the feeling knowing that someone's reading and commenting in my blog (with that, you're entitled to comment later. hahaha).

- was moved and touched by other bloggers' posts.

- regained my self-esteem.

- regained my interest to pursue my dreams.

- was able to know and learn a lot of things that will be my fuel as I continue my journey.

There's actually more learnings and realizations, but these were the ones who made it on top of my list. So there you go. I hope this coming blogging year, I would be able to share to you more stuff that would somehow move you or inspire you. Also, I wish that I will continue to learn a lot from my co-bloggers' experiences, thoughts, as well as their personal realizations. I also wish I would be able to meet more bloggers in the blogosphere and in real life.

That's all.

Happy Anniversary to My Blog! :-)

The Other Night, I Cried

Okay, I know I shouldn't or should I say, I know I should have not shed tears. But what can I do? I just can't hold back the tears. Well, maybe I just needed to let it out or it might explode. Anyway, you might ask me why I cried. Uh-oh, I do not mean to say it here. It was more of a personal reason.

Anyway, here's the catch, I think sometimes it's really hard to keep your feelings aside. I mean, yes you could portray a better and tougher self in front of other people, but when it's just you and yourself, you'll be surprised knowing that you just can't lie to yourself. You know yourself more than those people surrounding you.

I do not want to sound "kawawa" here 'cause I know I'm not. It's just that I wanted to share my realizations the other night. Another thing, this I can share to you. I was thinking about January the other night. Remember my post regarding work? I told you I'll share my decision when it comes. And yeah, it finally came. I have decided to leave by January. Honestly, I do not know if my decision is right. What I know is, I want to leave. My current work has been a part of my ups and downs during this whole year. It's like, leaving my work would mean moving on from what 2009 has brought me, at the same time, leaving all the memories behind.

My work is one of the witnesses on how I cried hard and how I managed to get up during the trying times. My work gave me a space during the times I needed something to put my attention to and be busied of. My work became my partner during the desperate times in my life that took place this year.

And so as the year comes to an end, I had to make an important decision. That is, I will be leaving my current work no matter how hard it may seem because of the people I will leave behind. I will leave without a concrete plan ahead. Yeah, I do not have plans on what I am going to do after the resignation. What I only have now is the decision of ending my stay in that company.

The other night, I prayed hard that God will continue to lead me to the right way. I prayed that He gives me wisdom so I would be able to make right decisions. I do not know yet if this is right. What I am sure of though is that this will make me really start a brand new life as a brand new year comes. And yeah, it would make me happy.


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Making decisions are hard, choosing which to do is hard, but at the end of the day, you have to think of, "Is it going to make you happy and be at peace?"

On Track

"Another cycle is coming to an end."


That is how I see the happenings in my life these past few days. I see it as part of closing a cycle in my life. It's not really an end, but a new beginning that would soon take place.


Anyway, let me share to you some of the highlights of some important aspects of my life. Let me share something about myself. Those co-blogers of mine who doesn't know me would benefit from it (well, that is if you want to know me. hehehe).


Here it goes.


LOVE. I am over it. I has had my share of katangan and ka-martiran, and that's finished. I am so done with my past slash first ever romantic relationship. I am happy for him, but I am happier for myself. Getting over everything was really a tough one for me. But at last, we can now continue our journeys separately. But hey, I believe we remain good friends, and I think that's what we are good at for each other. A new one's coming my way? That I do not know yet.


FAMILY. Same issues, same people, but one thing's for sure, they are my source of strength. The God above has been good to us despite our imperfections as a family. Ours is not perfect, not the way other people thought it was. I am just thankful that I am at ease with how my family is doing right now. Time really passes so fast. The next thing we know, perhaps one of us will start a new family as well. Wow, we're really getting bigger now.


FRIENDS. I am happy with how my relationships with my friends are. Everything is smooth-sailing. There may have been times when some of us misunderstood one another, good thing is, everything was patched up. I am happy that I am gaining new friends. I am happy about the fact that someone's going to touch my life, and perhaps I to their lives as well.


WORK. If there's one thing that could be associated to the saying, "nothing's constant but change," that would be work. Everything changes in no particular time, moment, place, or season. I guess just like in romantic relationships, when it's not for you, it will never be yours. The right job would come along. It may not be today, but for sure it will come. All we have to do is to continue searching for it. After all, it won't find you, you have to.


DREAMS. I am starting to do some things in fulfillment of my dreams. I am doing things one step at a time. I know I will reach them someday. I just need to back myself up with a lot lot more patience and determination. Nothing is handed to you easily, you have to work hard for it. I know I will catch them soon. I just have to hold on to it, believe, and do my part in realizing them.


FAITH. If there's one thing I am proud to have, that is my faith. In whatever situation I am in, my faith is my shield. I continue living my life inspite and despite everything because of my faith. Living is not easy. It's a continuous cycle of rejoicing and disappointments, but if you have faith, everything will be easy to bear. Thanks God for He never abandoned me even during the times I even questioned Him about how my life's going.




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Life is a continuous journey of learning. It's a never ending journey of good and bad times. You better be ready all the time.
 

Question!

" Do we live in the physical world that we can touch, or do we live in the world that we create in our minds? "

I think most of us tend to live in both worlds. There comes a time when we live in reality, while sometimes, we tend to live in what we call, fantasy land or fantasy world so we could spare ourselves from the hassles we get from the physical world.

On one hand, being in what we call real world is not easy. There are a lot of anguish, there are failures, wars, hatred, so on and forth. There's also happiness but we don't usually see it because we're too preoccupied looking at the negative side of life.

On the other hand, there's fantasy land or world. Sad to say, it only lies within our minds (or does it really?). This is the world that we supposedly is enjoying but we don't because we are too insecure of one another. This is the world that only gives joy and happiness. This is the world where our distant dreams are real. This is the world where no one is being left behind, no one suffers, no one is selfish.

Now, as for me, I guess I live in a physical world that caters what I have in mind. ^_^

Is that what you call, Law of Attraction at work? (Oh, that's another thing. ^_^)

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Note: The quoted text above is from the movie, Sassy Girl.

I Was Scared But I Conquered

I used to be scared of a lot of things. I used to be scared of the perils of life. I used to be scared of other people's judgment. I used to be, so that means, that was before. Today, I must say, I am not scared anymore. I am not scared of the things that life may give me.

I was then scared to ride a taxi alone, but when I finally did it, I realized, it's amazing riding one.

I was then afraid to take mud slide, but when I tried, I got addicted to it.

I was then afraid to speak in a large crowd, but when circumstances allowed me, I felt it was worth doing again.

I was then scared to sing in front of other people, but when I did it, I felt good at how they reacted.

I was then scared to fall in love, but when I allowed myself to fall, I couldn't trade to anything how amazing the feeling was.

I was then afraid to get hurt, but when reality hit me and I found myself into it already, I realized that getting hurt made me become the person I have become today, better and stronger.

I was then scared to fail at school and at work, but I realized life won't be complete without failures. It is the spice of life, definitely.

I was then scared to cross a busy street, but when I finally crossed, I was very proud of myself.

I was then scared to make friends for they might judge me, but when I opened myself to the thought of making friends, I realized how wonderful it is to have a lot of friends around.

I was then afraid to take risks, but I realized that taking risks is part of our everyday life and that it had made me become a better human.

I was then afraid of losing my loved ones, but when they left, I realized, nothing is really permanent on earth, even people leave.

I was then scared of disappointing my parents and the people who believe in me, but I learned that not at all times I have to live with other people's expectations. I learned that not at all times I have to please other people. After all, this is my life and I am the only one responsible for it.

Life is really very short. So why would we let ourselves be deceived just because we are scared of doing things we want to do or at least try something we haven't done yet? Let me say this, do not let hesitations rule over you. Do not be afraid to leave your comfort zones. We only have one life, so why waste it from being scared? I guess nothing is more scary than being regretful at the end for not allowing yourself to explore what the world has in stored for you.

 

Before Leaving Humanity

Okay, I know the title of this post sounds creepy. But hey, I am not leaving as in dying yet (well at least not now). I went through some sort of blog hopping when I got the chance to read one blogger's post about the things he would want to do before he dies. Yeah, I got this idea from him (I found it interesting anyway).

So much for the intro, let me share the things I would want to do before leaving planet Earth. So here it goes.

1. I want to become famous. Not that I want to become a celebrity, perhaps famous in social work or something related to making a difference (help the poor, send someone to school, something like that).

2. I want to become a lawyer. I would want to prove that not all lawyers are liars. :)

3. I want to meet the man who's destined for me and I to him.

4. I want to get married. I want it to be solemn. You know, just me, my husband-to-be, and the people we love. I don't want it to be extravagant. What matters is, everyone will get to enjoy the moment.

5. I want to bear a child. Maybe four kids would be enough.

6. I would want to travel the world with my family.

7. I want to learn how to swim (though I had basic education on swimming, I still do not know how).

8. I want to try extreme sports.

9. I would want to leave a legacy. Maybe getting involved in community outreach programs or founding a foundation for the kids.

10. I want to meet famous people.

11. I would want to write a book.

12. I wish to be able to sing in front of a large crowd.

13. I want to break rules!

14. I want to experience true independence.

15. I want to gain a lot of friends (with different personalities so I'd learn a lot from them as well).

16. I want to try eating exotic foods.

17. I would want to see my family - all of them - in a good social state.

18. I want to have my own space (a house would be great, a condo would be fine).

19. I want to learn how to drive and own a car.

20. I would want to create a lot of wonderful memories with my loved ones.

There you go. Those are just some of the many aspirations I have. Those twenty things I wrote are just some of the many things I would want to accomplish in my lifetime. So far, life is not that rude to me. I have my fair share of goods and bads, but that's okay. I must say, my life is well-balanced at the moment. I may not have the love of my life yet, but at least I have a good work that satisfy my needs, friends who bring joy, and a family that inspires me.

How 'bout you? What are the things you would want to do before the final day comes? ^_^

After Letting Go, Move On

Here's the catch, once you've let go, move forward. There's no room for looking back. Past is past. You can try reminiscing about the good times, but as much as possible, try not to. I realized that moving on becomes harder when people keep on looking back on the memories, be it good or bad. So better yet, stop. Just stop.

So how are you going to start moving on then? I honestly do not know. I guess that depends on you. If throwing  memorabilia would make you feel good, then do so. If crying would lead you to moving on, cry 'til your last tear drops. If moving to another place will help you, then go. If meeting new people or having new activity will help you, just do it. As long as it will help you move forward, do not hesitate to do so.

But you know what's the best thing to do? Pamper yourself. You've read it right, pamper yourself! Indulge in whatever that would make you happy. Stop thinking about anybody else or worry about something, just enjoy. Be with yourself. Do not be harsh on yourself. Love yourself to the fullest! Fulfill your dreams, your heart's desires. ^_^

Silently Searching

As the sun silently set, comes with it are magnificent rays as if telling me that though it’ll bid goodbye for awhile, it still owes me another tomorrow. Just another day to find the true meaning of my existence.

I guess I am not alone in that sense. I guess there are a lot more people out there, who, just like me, are still in search of the reasons why they’re living. Perhaps this is the toughest challenge of being alive. The challenge of knowing why God placed us here – wherever we may be at now.

Months ago, I was having this dilemma, well actually even up to now. I was trying to figure out why I had to go through all these struggles. Months ago, I was trying to go a deeper soul searching. It wasn’t the emo type, I mean just like how soul searching means for celebrities. It was more of searching the essence of the life that He has given me.

Lately, there were a lot of thoughts running through my head. It was like a school of fish trying to find a place where it could settle down. These thoughts kept on bugging me. At first I was just ignoring them but as days gone by, I could not help but notice them. And so finally, I gave these thoughts a place in my head.

Apparently, one of those was the thought of realizing one of my distant dreams, to inspire other people through my own little way. Sad to say though, I was discouraged. Knowing that I only have a couple of friends, that would really be impossible. Yet God works in mysterious ways. Days ago, I came across a probable movement, a group of people who share the same vision as mine. I only have to send them an email, and wait for their reply. To be a little descriptive, it’s a group of youth who promotes the true essence of love.

Ops! It isn’t mushy. It’s not the one you might be thinking of. There’s more to that description. They’re actually promoting a Godly living. Oh well, so much for that. The catch here is actually this, silently I searched, silently the answers are one by one, coming my way.

Call me too idealistic. Call me an old school. Call me not “in”. Call me whatever you want to. I don’t really care anyway. I guess this is a good way to start my dream. A dream of becoming a good example not just in front of the people I know, but much more to those who I don’t really know.

As the sun set, I know it’ll rise again. And as it comes shining the next day, it as well means another day to fulfill what my existence is all about. It may not be that clear yet, I know, soon, everything’s going to be handed to me.

Daughter of a Politician

No, I am not talking about a particular declamation piece here. I am talking about me, myself, and I. Yes, I am a daughter of a politician. But let me rephrase that, I was and perhaps would be a daughter of a politician again (my father did not win last election but planning to run again, that’s why).

DISCLAIMER: This is not neither a political propaganda nor a campaign piece.

Anyway, being a daughter of a politician is a combination of being fortunate and unfortunate. That sounds confusing, right? Well, I find it fortunate because of the popularity that you’ll get. The fact that your father was elected as a government official gives you a lot of privileges. Unfortunate though because of the criticisms you’d hear from almost every corner, also, the fact that you always have to do right or else, you might ruin the name of your father.

But nonetheless, everything was okay. I never really had any bad experience of being a politician’s daughter except the fact that there are just really some people that are hard to please. Anyway, I love being a politician’s daughter because I’ve learned how bad the situations of our poor constituents are, and that you’d learn to care for them along the way – as you get to know them. I love the fact that in one way or another, I realized how fortunate I am.

Though being a politician’s daughter requires a lot of things, I still love it. I love how busy we become whenever elections are coming. I love how we post election paraphernalia around the municipality, and giving out my father’s portfolio of achievements. Just for your information, believe me or not, it was only not during my father’s first time to run that we did give money (just to people who went to our home), after which, during the second and last term of my father as a municipal councilor, never did we vote buy again. Oh! But the cleanest election participation my father has ever gone through was last elections. He, not even a single centavo gave any, which apparently is the greatest factor why he lost. We have no enough machinery as well. Imagine, my father’s co-candidates gave 1000 and 800 pesos respectively while we gave nothing.

Anyway, being my father’s daughter allowed me to know the basics of how politics has become in our municipality, in our country. I was able to witness how dirty elections are. I was able to witness how cruel some people could be just to be in the position. I was able to see how other people can ruin their fellows’ reputation just to earn what they want, again, position in the government.

Also, I was able to learn how to deal with other people. How it is to talk to those underprivileged, and feel so blessed that you’re not suffering like the way they do. I was able to visualize how I could someday help my underprivileged fellows. I was able to recognize what the politicians should give importance to. I was able to realize how capable I am to make a difference someday. Oh wait! I am not planning to run – for now (hahaha).

Furthermore, more than the negativities that being a daughter of a politician could give, I always look forward to the positive side of it. After all, that’s what it should be, right? Actually, after everything has been said, the catch here is, being a daughter of a politician entitled me to know how it is to care and love your fellows especially those who are not as lucky as I am.

Does it Make Sense?

It may sound so cliché but yes, I want to make a difference. I want my existence to be meaningful, to be wonderful, to be unforgettable. I know a lot of people who were able to make and leave their legacies, and so I want myself too.

I would want to wake up one day with that genuine smile on my face, and then realizing how I was able to touch the lives of other people. I would want to wake up one day full of joy because I know I was able to make my own world of difference.

I believe I don't have to be rich just to be able to do that (though having money does help but it's not really a need). I believe you can start making a difference through doing simple things, or perhaps through maximizing what God has given you, your talents. Inspiring other people is really a tough job, but I guess if your intentions are real, it just comes out without you knowing it.

Oh! And let me say this, you don't have to neither push it nor rush it. Inspiring other people just happen. All you have to do is, do your thing.

Going back, the question now is, how would I be able to make a difference? Well, I guess everything should come from the heart. When you truly desire for it, you'll end up recognizing the fact that you've actually made a difference already.

Let me cite some of the things I know on how to be different. One, since everybody is talking about it, then be it. Register and vote for the upcoming 2010 elections. Never ever think that your vote would just be worthless because there's a big possibility that cheaters might win. Imagine, what if all the other youths or voters in general are thinking the way you do, then there would really be no difference, right?

Two, if you love blogging, then use this medium to voice out your opinions, points of view, your commentaries, or even by simply sharing what you've learned from your past and present mistakes in life. It might not make sense for you but you'd never know how it might affect other people's lives.

Three, if you think you're being fooled, speak up! Never allow yourself to wake up one day realizing that you allowed yourself to be a slave of lies. I'm not saying you involve yourself in a fight. Hey, you can always talk and listen without arguing, right? Now, if you don't meet halfway, I guess it would be best to just quit and go (with all the responsibilities on the side of course).

Four, never think that you can't do anything to change the world. A simple act of virtue is enough. You don't have to go around the city and feed the hungry or give home to the homeless, a simple gesture of care is enough. Start it within your community. I swear, you'll realize there's so much that you can do.

Five, dream big and pursue it. Actually, dreaming and realizing them is making a difference (I'm talking about real dreams here). For instance, dreaming of becoming the best person that you can be is actually an act of uniqueness already. I am a living testimony to that because that's my ultimate dream (hehehe). I've always lived my life in accordance to what I believe, because this is how I would want to make a difference. I want to be a good example to my fellows, to my friends, to my younger siblings, and to the younger generations (which include my pamangkins). So start dreaming now (and make sure you'll realize them)!

. . . and the list goes on and on and on.

There are so many things that you can do. I just can't write them all because I too have to discover them. I am just so excited to discover them actually. So eager that I would want it to happen soon.

Now, do I make sense here (or did I make any difference with how you think now [hehe])?

Sign

Do you believe in signs? Well, I do. Actually, I used to be, then I ran out of reasons to believe on it, not until lately again.

For the past weeks, I was in a state of despair. I guess that’s the perfect term to define how I was. It seemed like my life was shattered because of the things that happened. It was like, waking up one day realizing that I am lost.

Yes, I felt like I’ve lost myself along the way. I woke up knowing that I do not know what I want to do with my life now. I woke up recognizing the fact that I am sad and that I’m going through what they call, “quarter life crisis.”

Anyway, after embracing and accepting the truth that I am indeed lost, I just found myself kneeling down and praying to Him. I came to a point of lifting everything to Him. I prayed that He takes over my life for I cannot handle it anymore. Could you imagine how lost I am?

Then here comes one of my realizations. It was like God whispered to me the ‘cause of everything. The reason why I am feeling lost and why it seemed like my world turned apart. I came to realize that I did things in accordance to my will and not His will. I realized I was yes, praying to Him but not for His will to be done but for what I want to happen. Indeed, I prayed the wrong prayer.

After realizing my fault, I entrusted everything to Him. Then, I told Him I want to go back serving the community. I said I want to entail my weekends for Him again. I must admit, I missed my service in the community where I learned to get to know Him better. In the community where I used to share my talent. In the community that taught me how to love and care for others.

Then here comes Sunday, June 7, 2009. I texted my friends and invited them to go to mass. Apparently, only one of them got interested. I let her decide where we should attend the mass. Then she told me we take the five o’clock in the afternoon mass at Saint Jude Parish.

Days before that Sunday, I was having a chat with the same friend about how I miss the community and that I badly want to go back. During the mass, I was again praying for it. Then during the communion, I saw a lady wearing a SFC identification card. My eyes followed the lady. The urge to go back to the community got immensely higher.

After the mass, we should have taken the center door to exit. Surprisingly, our feet led us to taking the door at the left side of the church. And guess what happened next? Someone gave me a leaflet, and when I looked at it, it says, “Singles for Christ Christian Life Program.” My initial reaction? I smiled. I felt that was God talking to me and taking over my life. It was like He is telling me, “Pam, your wish is my command.”

Indeed, I must say, it was a sign from God. It was a sign from Him that He is embracing me back, that He wants me back to His loving arms. You know what I realized? God would sometimes use the downiest point in your life to lead you back to Him. He uses your weaknesses to teach how to go back to the path He has perfectly created for you.

And today I must confess, signs are actually real. But of course, to know whether that’s it, you have to listen to your heart. It’s where God tells you whether the sign is genuine or not.

Happy Ending

When I was a kid, I’ve always believed in fairy tales. I even thought that every girl is bound to have a happily ever after ending with their one true love. But when I grew up and fell in love, I realized that happy endings are just part of every fairytale, and that fairy tales are are just fantasies, which means they’re unreal.

Though we are all bound to fall and eventually end up with that someone we truly love, we cannot deny the fact that sometimes, we fail. Sometimes in our lives, we thought that the person in front of us is the person we’re going to end up with. Sad to say though, sometimes, our intuition isn’t right. The truth of the matter is, there are some people who are just suppose to pass by our lives to teach us something, perhaps teach us to become better individuals and not necessarily be with forever.

It doesn’t really matter if how many came along, what matters is, who came and stayed, and perhaps would never dare to leave. Going back, when I learned to fall in love, all along I thought that I am in heaven, lying on a bed of roses. I thought it was going to last forever. But realizations came in, and the truth hit me. I fell and lost.

But you know what’s exciting about it? I never thought of not falling in love again. It was as if, no matter how painful the loss was, I still believed in love, in true and real love. I still believed that one day, just like in fairy tales, my prince charming would come and bring me to his castle and be his loving and caring wife whom he’s going to love forever.

Ops! Back to reality. Honestly, I believed and still believe that we are all bound to have a happy ending, but that depends in us of course. We are the ones who make our happy endings. We are the ones who decide on what’s going to happen next. It doesn’t matter if at the end of the journey we lose or win, what truly matters is that we can tell ourselves that we’ve had a happy journey and eventually is hurdled to have a happy ending no matter how rough the road is.

Soulmate

In our lifetime, people do come and go. Some would just pass, while others would keep us company. But among those many people who came our way, there’s this someone who’d surprisingly be our confidant as we go through life. Someone who we can’t live without. That someone is called our “soulmate.”

A soulmate is not necessarily someone who you will end up with. He doesn’t necessarily need to be your someone special. A soulmate is a person who shares the same passion as yours. Someone who you can’t stand a day without. He is someone who might look like you or perhaps share the same talent as yours. A soulmate is someone who will stand by you until the end even if the world turn its back from you.

Of course, a soulmate is someone of different sex. He’s someone who you can confide everything and anything under the sun without feeling awkward because you know that he accepts you no matter how worst you can be. He is indeed someone who you can’t afford to lose.

Each one of us is entitled with our own soulmate. Lucky are those who found their soulmates in the person of their husbands or wives, or perhaps in the person of their boyfriends or girlfriends, or at the very least, with their best friend. Lucky are those who finally found their soulmate. That one person whom they can’t stand living without.

As for me, I still couldn’t figure out if I’d found my soulmate already – though I felt like I have found him, perhaps it’s too early for me to conclude that indeed he is my soulmate. For now, I would want to believe that one of these days I’d come to realize that my soulmate is actually just right before my very eyes.

New Hair

This is actually a super duper late post. I actually had my hair cut last May 31, 2009, exactly a month before my birthday. It wasn’t planned, not at all. Supposedly, I was just going to accompany my sister, but my mom insisted so I gave in (and it’s for free! Care of mama…hehehe).

Then I decided to have it trimmed only, but I changed my mind. I thought perhaps it was the best time to have a new look, a new me. Unlike my usual parlor scenario, I was so calm and excited to get my hair done.

As the hairdresser cut my hair, it was like I am also cutting all the bad strings attached to me. Parang may orasyon while everything was taking place. Actually, I was talking to my hair. I was saying sorry kasi I had to cut it.

After which though, I felt lighter. Parang less baggage. It was like nabunutan ako ng tinik. I felt a new me is yet to come or perhaps has come. I was all-smile as I walked out of the parlor. Feel na feel ko ang new hair ko. It made me feel better, really.

Mama and my sis were telling me na maganda daw yung cut and that it’s something new though I know in myself na di magtatagal yun ‘cause once na binasa ko na, the truth is, hindi sya magiging ganun kaganda at kaayos. But then again, I felt the moment. I enjoyed having my new hairdo.

Anyway, cutting my hair is parang buhay lang yan, for you to be able to go on and continue the ride, you have to dispatch some of your baggages. Minsan kasi may mga bagay na di na kailangan pang dalhin kasi makakabigat lang. Mga bagay gaya ng bitterness, hatred, sadness, pain, grudges, and all the other negative stuff that could be associated to these.

Cutting my hair was like cutting all the bad memories, bad parts of my journey. Leaving nothing except the good ones lang. Cutting my hair was like a process of letting go of all the heartaches and headaches that I’ve gone through. Cutting my hair was like a celebration of a brand new day, a brand new life.

My Simple Prayer

Today I'm finally ending all the speculations I have. Today I'll be facing what eats me.
Today I'm finally saying goodbye to my weariness for the past months. All I hope is an honest
answer. I hope that whatever comes out of my friend's mouth, be it good or bad, I just hope I'll be
able to handle things right.

Been through this feeling over and over again. Got all this for sometime already that I just couldn't bear it anymore. I'm being so unfair with him, with her, and most especially
with myself. I would want to end all that should be ended. Afterall, I hate feeling what I feel. I don't want jealousy to eat me up as a person, as a friend. Most of all, I don't want to loose the people I love just because of this very selfish feeling. I must and do have to face it. Not tomorrow but today.

I guess the perfect time, the right time has come for me to end this up. I need to face everything. I need to put a period to all these. More than hurting the people I care most, I'm hurting myself more. I couldn't bearseeing myself so devastated, so lonesome just because of my insecurities, just because of my being so self-centered. Today, I wish myself well. I hope everything will be fine. I pray that whatever truth has in stored for me, I'd be able to deal with it.

It's tough to admit all these to myself. But I'd rather face it now than suffer the not so good consequences later. I'd rather admit my weaknesses now than see myself wounded at the end of the battle without even having a good fight.

God, my only prayer for today is for me to gain enough strength to be able to put things back into normal. That I'd be able to embrace the truth with a humbled heart. That I'd be able to accept that after all, love, forgiveness, and relationships are what matter most in my life. That I may be able to hear nothing but the truth and not just what I wanted to hear. That all of us involved will be able to accept what we feel, and that through it, rekindle the good friendship we once had. That finally, after everything that happened, we'll end up realizing that we matter to each one of us and that loosing one another should never be an option. Acceptance, forgiveness, and love are the keys toward ending a bad part of my journey. Not to mention that I should learn to trust whole heartedly so I'd be able to win and not loose.

God, you've always known how I felt for the past days, weeks, months. I know this is what I need to do. After all, I won't be really capable to love if I won't end all my not so speculations. But if and only if my speculations are true, please give me peace of mind and courage to accept it with all my mind and heart. Please give me the strength to face it rather than sob with it. Please never let me have any second thought of the guy's feelings for me for I know deep in my heart, I should believe it. But if I'm just being blinded with my love for me him, please lead me to seeing the light.

Lord, like what You're son said, "Today, I entrust to You my spirit." Let me say it in my own words, "Today Father God, I entrust to you whathever is ahead of all these. I entrust to you my feelings, both negative and positive. Today, I entrust to you the man I love and the friend who has been so loyal and loving to me but I was just blinded with jealousy that I forgot how I should've valued her. I entrust to you everything and pray that everything will be fine after today. AMEN."


May 24, 2009 - at 7:06AM; room